chapter 4 Angels among us

since i was a child I've believed in angels. my mother  told me of encounters she had with angels. she was visited by her grandfather the night he passed away. in the morning and  she got the phone call that he had died, she already knew. one night when my baby brother Christopher was sick my mom looked over at his crib and saw three heavenly beings watching over him. then there was my great uncle earl collinsworth who had a great change of heart because of an angel that visited with him on many occasions. this angel wore clothes that you might see in jesus's  time, even the leather sandals. this angel taught him the gospel of Jesus Christ and told him the book of Mormon was true. my great aunt vela who was married to earl was a member of the  church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints and had high moral standards. however, my uncle earl cussed like a sailor and loved his alcohol. my aunt vela gave him an ultimatum that he needed to change his ways or she would take the kids and leave. he began to pray and asked for help with his addictions and that's when the angel started to visit him. his conversion and change of heart led to many in my family to return to church.

i believe that angels are around us everyday. some are heavenly messengers while others are evil angels that try to tempt us to do wrong and doubt your self-worth. the angels that I come into contact with on a daily basis are friends and family that serve me with a willing heart. one day when i was at church this man who ive never met  knelt down by my wheelchair and looked directly in my eyes. he told me that Jesus loved me and that my trial would be a long one. i wanted to say no i'm going to be healed soon, but then i realized this was a  message from my savior. my uncle earl had a unique relationship with me and my family. he was more like  a grandfather to me. he always wanted me to sing for him. every time we said goodbye he would take my face in his hands and look into my eyes and say i love you. at his funeral a friend of his whom i had never met before stopped me as i was leaving. he took my face in his hands just like my uncle earl did. looking into my eyes he told me he loved me. this stranger gave me a message from my uncle earl.

it's hard to deal with a body that will not do what  you want it to. for this reason I've suffered with depression and low self-esteem. Satan knows my weaknesses and he preys on that. one day i was watching my family playing together outside with my dog Toby while i was inside stuck on a couch. i longed to be outside ith them. as i was wishing for a body that worked i distinctly heard the words, 'you're a waste of space.'  Satan continually tries to make me feel inadequate and  of little worth. i try to go to the temple to gain strength to endure, and  peace to know that my heavenly father loves me. even then Satan and his angels try to keep me from going to the temple. he makes me full of anxiety which makes me feel sick. he has even sent evil angels to surround me. one morning i was in bed resting because we were going to the temple that evening.   i opened my eyes and saw five grey figures crawling on the walls towards me. they looked like smeigl from lord of the rings. i tried to scream for my mom but i couldn't, i couldn't even move. suddenly my mom entered the room or so i thought. this being sat on the side of the bed and when it looked at me it had  a demonic face. i began to feel unbearable pressure on my chest that made me gasp for air. i prayed calling on my savior to rescue me. then these evil angels were gone. i called for my mom and told her what happened and she told me Satan was trying to keep me from going to the temple. i believe her words are true. Satan will do all he can to prevent us from entering the house of the lord.

i have prayed for guardian angels to protect me and angels to carry my burdens. heavenly father sends me many in the form of friends and family. i remember many Sundays sitting alone in relief society. everyone knew me in this ward and yet no one would sit by me. i was angered by this and i told the lord that if no one sat by me the next Sunday i was going to change wards. Sunday came and a women i did not know came up and asked if someone was sitting next to me. i told her you are. we became very good friends. later i learned that she had prayed  to know who needed her friendship in the ward and the lord sent her to me. time and time again the lord has sent me angels here on earth to love and support me. the greatest angel i know is my husband Tim. he quit working to stay  home and take care of me full-time. i thought I loved him when we were married but now i realize that was just the tip of the iceberg. my love for him grows each day.  he cooks, cleans, does laundry, and  takes care of all my personal needs. many times i get compliments on my hair or make up and i tell them Tim did it , he's the pro. he  has been by my side through thick and thin and makes the necessary changes as my disease progresses.

Even I have been called an angel.  I don't consider myself an angel but I do know that the Lord uses people around us as instruments in his hands. Once when I was at the temple I had a loving sister sit by me.  She helped me with everything I needed to do which was different because usually a temple worker would help me.  Before I left that day she came up to me and said, "I prayed that I would see an angel today and when I saw you I knew my prayer was answered."  This example shows that each  one of us can be angels to people around us. 

Chapter 2 My trial begins

The summer of 1992 my Grandma Christopherson's siblings started a family reunion at Lake Siskyou in Mt Shasta city California. It was a great way to get to know my great aunts and uncles and their families. We spent late nights playing scrabble and yahtzee and long days at the lake. Tim joined us midweek. One of the first adventures Tim and I had was renting a paddle boat. We paddled to a nice cove and jumped off to take a nice swim. We were both good swimmers because we both grew up with pools. When it came time to return the paddle boat I wasn't able to lift my body back onto the boat. Tim had to pull me out of the water.

The next day my siblings chipped in and rented this floating island. I was the only one who could not pull themselves onto the island. I couldn't believe it,  even my little sister and brother could pull themselves up. What was wrong with me?  My sister Laura who was married and lived in Utah only saw me once a year.  She asked me why are you walking funny. I just answered I'm not. Later she pointed out my walking to my mom and from then on my mom was worried about me.  She said she prayed that night and knew that a big trial was coming our way.

When we returned home from the family reunion my mom immediately made an appointment with the family doctor. My mom explained that I was walking funny and how my balance was off. The doctor started to ask questions about what was going on in my life.  When I told him that my boyfriend of three years was leaving to Japan on a mission he said it was probably just stress and not to worry about it. Before I left his office he wanted to check my reflexes. So he hit the bottom of my knee and my leg went so high and so fast that I almost kicked him in the gut. Immediately I started crying because I had never seen my body react like that. This began my journey to find out what was wrong with me.  He referred me to a neurologist which was the first of three I would see. The MRI, spinal tap, EMG and multiple blood test came back normal. They could not find anything wrong with me. While all this was going on I said good bye to Tim for two years. Finally they sent me to Los Angeles to the USC neuroscience department.  After examining me the doctor decided to do a muscle biopsy the next morning. Leaving the office we gathered all the pamphlets on all the neuromuscular diseases.  My mom actually read them all. She was so scared for my life. She prayed hoping to find an answer. The name Sarah came to her mind. She knew right where to look in the bible. It was the story when Abraham was told by an angel that Sarah would deliver a son and when she heard this she laughed.  Then Sarah was told is anything too hard for the Lord.  This brought peace of mind to my mom and when she recounted this story to me I knew everything would be fine. When my muscle biopsy results came back the doctor at USC told me I had ALS commonly known as Lou Gerhig's disease.  He explained that on average the life span was three to five years with ALS. I did not fit the mold for an ALS patient because most people with ALS are men over 45. I was only 20. He explained how that eventually I would be a quadrapalegic and only be able to blink my eyes. It sounded so scary I began to cry. How could the Lord save me from this? I tried to not think about my diagnosis and just go on living. Tim received the news in a letter and he reassured me that he still wanted to marry me even if we only had 5 years together.

I continued my 3rd year of college still focusing on music but it all changed in February of 1994. Cal State Bakersfield choir had been invited to sing in Carnegie Hall.  We were all so excited,  but I knew I couldn't do it. I couldn't even hold my music or turn the pages and I had no breath control and got lightheaded just singing. The hardest phone call I ever made was to my choir director that I had to drop out of the choir. Luckily my best friend Anna was Tim's sister was still in the choir and my future in laws paid for me to go watch the choir perform in New York.

To fight off my depression from my voice being taken from me and no longer singing I focused my attention on wedding plans. I bought the dress of my dreams,  decorations and invitations all before Tim got home. ALS increased my anxiety and I remember feeling sad that I might be suffering from anxiety when I marry Tim.  I was blessed to go to Japan with Tim's parents at the conclusion of his mission.  We went to a beautiful garden at the foot of the Okayama castle and there Tim got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.  It was like a fairy tale and my anxieties ceased.  The morning of January 14th 1995 I was calm and peace filled my soul while I was sealed to my eternal sweetheart.  As we exited the temple hand in hand we looked at each other and knew our vision came true.

Chapter 3 Answered Prayers

After being diagnosed with Lou Gerhig's disease time seemed to slow down. I was fired from my job at Payless shoe source. I also quit pursuing my college education.  Depression over took me.  The one bright source in my life was Tim. We couldn't wait to get married after he returned from his mission.  He said he prayed every night that he could be sealed to me in the temple. I told him that he wasn't obligated to marry me since the doctors were only giving me 3 to 5 years to live. On January 14th 1995 we were sealed in the Los Angeles temple.  It was the best day of my life because not only did I marry my best friend, I married the love of my life. Tim's prayers were answered.
Married life was great. We spent a lot of time together because Tim was working part time while going to school.  I was happy in our marriage but I felt my life was stagnant.  I felt like I was simply existing,  and I wanted to grow spiritually and intellectually.  Once again I began my studies at Cal State Bakersfield,  but this time majoring in psychology and being pushed around in a wheelchair.   My anxiety was so great that I could not eat before classes.  I also made my mom sit with me through my classes.  The university provided students with disabilities help such as note takers and extra time on exams. I greatly appreciated these services.  I kept praying for my anxiety to cease, but even after a month,  I was still making my mom sit with me in class. So one night in fervent prayer I asked the Lord to take away my anxieties so I could finish this quarter because I wouldn't have the strength to complete my schooling if I continued to be sick with nerves everyday. The next morning I awoke with a calmness I had not felt in months.  I ate breakfast and told my mom to drop me off at my first class and I would get someone to push me to my next class.  It was obvious to me that the Lord prepared the way for me to graduate with honors in 1998. It was a great accomplishment to be the first in my family to graduate from a university. 
Tim and I bought our first house right before I graduated.  He got me a puppy as a graduation gift also. We named him Toby. How I loved that dog. We became best pals. Since I was still able to walk short distances, I would go out in our backyard and let him run around.  My life again felt stagnant.  Every day was the same as the day before. Watching TV and playing with Toby but no sense of purpose.  I outlived the doctor's expectations and my abilities were still intact and I wasn't bedridden but I wasn't doing anything.  I was simply there.  It was like Satan told me, I was a waste of space.  I knew Satan wanted to pull me down into a deep depression so I went to the Lord in prayer and asked what my purpose here on earth was. Heavenly Father always answers my prayers.  This one just took longer than usual.

My parents moved to Coarsegold California. I loved it up there.  It was so relaxing and beautiful to be surrounded by nature. When Tim received an opportunity to work at a bank in Oakhurst California near Coarsegold,  I knew the Lord was directing me to be with my parents. Now,  instead of sitting home alone I could be with my parents.  They drove me around to visit my grandparents and aunts and uncles.  My life was full of activity again but, I still wanted to know my purpose.  On a spring Sunday morning I was sitting in Sunday school studying Alma in the Book of Mormon when the teacher read a verse that seemed to literally pop off the page. The verse was Alma chapter 17 verse 11. Which reads:
....
Finally I knew what my purpose was and why my disease wasn't progressing like the doctors said it would.  I know now that I'm here to be a witness for the love our Heavenly Father has for all his children.  No matter what trials I am facing the Lord always strengthens me and lightens my burdens.  My prayers are always answered even the simple ones to find Tim's keys.  I trust in the Lord and he trusts in me. When he sends the spirit to burn in my heart I know that I need to speak up and bear testimony of him. Through prayer I've come to realize thay the more I act upon his promptings my healing will come little by little.

Chapter 1 My early years

I was a miracle baby. My mother was on birth control when I was conceived because my brother Mark was only 8 months old and she was ready to have 3 children under the age of 5.  When my mom found out she was pregnant she was not happy.  So my dad told her this baby is mine and he was right. I was a daddy's girl from the beginning. My mom said my eyes were wide open looking at everything.  I was ready for life to begin here on earth.  My earliest memories were on a little farm in San Martin California next to a dairy.  We had a horse, chickens, ducks, and of course cats and a dog.  This is where my love of animals began.  I am a middle child with an older sister and brother and a younger sister and brother.  My parents called me the peacemaker of our home.  Our favorite pastime was going camping.  There are many nights we gathered around a campfire to sing. This is where my love for music began.  Until I was 8 we lived in California close to all my extended family. Then my father was transfered to Tucson Arizona with IBM.  We had absolutely no family around us so our church members became like family. 

Life in Tucson was better than I thought it could be.  It helped having a brother that was one grade ahead of me.  We had a lot of the same friends and hung out together.  Music was a love for both of us and we were in many choirs together.  My first solo came in 4th grade in the play Free to be you and me. This solo gave me the confidence I needed to pursue performing.  One of my favorite choirs was in junior high.  We were called Pioneers of music.  My self-esteem grew as I developed my talent of singing.  It seems like those years in Tucson flew by.  I guess the adage is true, time flies when you're having fun.  In the middle of my sophomore year my dad announced that we were moving back to California.   

In the summer of 1989 I was going to my first especially for youth conference.  I was super excited because I was meeting up with my good friends from Tucson. Six months earlier my father was transferred from Tucson Arizona to Bakersfield California.  The move brought me great sorrow.  Especially for youth is a fun filled week where teenagers enjoy games, lectures by motivational speakers and dances. I remember one specific talk when Lehi told his family that Jerusalem would be destroyed and his family would have to leave the city.  His son Nephi believed in his father but Laman and Lemuel murmured and called their dad a visionary man.  I tried to put myself in their shoes. It was easy for me to because I had just left my friends and home to come to a city where I knew no one. And I murmured.  I wish I could say I was like Nephi having faith, being faithful,  and trusting the Lord. The changes in my life were just beginning. 

My heartache for Tucson lightened my junior year. My main focus in high school was music. I was in two plays and hoped to be a singer in the future.  Choir was so fun. It was a time I could let loose and be myself.  There is a special bond you create with the other singers in choir. It is similar to a family bond. I guess it grows through lifting up your voices together to make beautiful music.  Music has always been a powerful tool in my life. I could express my feelings through song. If I needed to get away from the world I could sit at my piano and play for hours.  Most importantly music could lift my spirit or calm my soul.  A boy caught my eye in choir. He was so funny and I couldn't help but flirt with him.  He would call me a tease and Brenda bows because I liked to wear bows in my hair. The more he pushed me away the harder I tried to get his attention.  My flirtatations worked. We Started dating November 12, 1989. I'll never forget that telephone conversation. It went like this: I asked, "So are we an item?" And he answered,  "Sure." The boy's name was Tim. He had officially become my boyfriend.  Years later he admitted to me that after that phone call he did a fist pump and celebration dance.

In the spring of 1990 a stake musical was being put together by Tim's mother Liz Waite. I received one of the leads and Tim was in the chorus.  We practiced for many months. The musical was called Going Home. During dress rehearsals we would wear all white. It was at a dress rehearsal that something incredible happened.  As Tim and I held hands to walk off stage a vision opened up to our minds and we both saw ourselves dressed in white outside the Los Angeles temple on our wedding day. The spirit was so strong and we were filled with joy.  Now I knew how Lehi felt. With this vision I had no doubt that Tim would be my eternal companion.

We graduated high school in 1991 and both started college in the fall. Of course I majored in music. College was much easier than I thought and a lot of fun. After our first year of college Tim received his mission call to Okayama Japan.  We made many memories that summer of 1992 before Tim left in November. 

Jesse is 6 months old

The past six months have gone by so fast. It is so exciting to see
Jesse grow right before my eyes. Sometimes he changes so much in one
day. He has brought so much joy to our family. It's still hard to
believe I'm a mom. When I look at him I feel so blessed. Happy 6
months Jesse baby.
Love,
Mama

My first official Mother's Day

I woke to the aroma of French toast and sausage. The next thing I knew
a handsome man walked in my bedroom and fed me breakfast in bed. After
breakfast Tim placed a beautiful charm bracelet around my wrist
engraven with the words "Jesse Timothy Miracles Happen." After I got
dressed for church Tim pinned me with an orchid corsauge. Today felt
different than any other Mothers day. Thank you Tim for making my day
so special. I love you and Jesse.

Guess Who's 4 Months Old.

Today Jesse is 4 months old. He's the best baby in the world. I find joy in every burp, fart and giggle. He's growing up so fast. I never thought my life would be so great. It also has a lot to do with being married to the greatest husband and father. I'm looking forward to my first official mother's day.